I've been scared to pick up the phone and make that call for several reasons. One, I've never seen a gynecologist. I refused to go for a long time because I have a deluded sense of wellness and independence. I don't do doctors. Also, I reasoned, I'm not sexually active and never have been. So, I should be good, right?
However, I started to show some irregularity that concerned me a bit and I thought, "I should probably swallow my pride and do this."
Then, panic hit me. I realized very quickly that my aversion to going to the gynecologist had nothing to do with my pride anymore. It had to do with my two experiences of sexual mistreatment.
I use "mistreatment" today because it feels safe for me. "Assault" comes with a lot of baggage that is hard for me to sort out. I often feel, as a survivor, that because I wasn't raped, I don't deserve to feel panic over things like going to the gynecologist. I don't deserve to irrationally put off a normal medical exam. I don't deserve to shake and stutter as I finally talk to a receptionist at the OB/GYN office.
But the fact is I do. And you know what? Whether I deserve to feel that way or not doesn't change anything. Questioning my right to feel fear and shame doesn't help me to heal from those things. Questioning rarely closes wounds. Truthful validation does.
Another reason I'm sharing this story is to further show the consequences of sexual coercion. When the more recent and impacting incident happened, I felt absolutely powerless. I felt like I couldn't say no to the things that were happening to me. I felt like I couldn't breathe, or think, or move.
Today, as I dialed that number, I felt all those same feelings. Everything came back like a flash. All I could think was, "You bastard. I'm still paying for your stupid shit." I let fear of a past experience inform fear of a future experience. I let that fear keep me from seeking after my own health. If my mother hadn't asked me to call as a Mother's Day gift to her, who knows how long I would have waited.
I don't deserve that.
Still, I made the call. I have an appointment. Setting the phone down, I felt a huge sense of relief. I made one more step in quieting my fears. I took a little of the power back.
Maybe there are things for you that are triggers-things that you feel shame for the power they have over you. Maybe you have triggers that you'd never tell anyone because they seem stupid. But, my friend, your responses to things are real. Often times, you can't change them. Not right away. And that's okay. Maybe you're struggling with ongoing consequences of someone else's sin. You want to talk to someone about it, but you don't know if they'll understand or if they'll be willing to listen to your complex story of wrong and pain. I want you to know, I get that. Your feelings are real. Your suffering is real too, even if the outside world doesn't see it.
We deserve more.
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