The following are excerpts from my journal during my European travels. They have been edited only for clarity.
January 25th, 2018
I have very distinct memories of participating in The International Fair as a part of homeschooling co-ops as a child. Nothing was more thrilling to me than getting my "passport" and "travelling" from booth to booth set up around a gymnasium, representing different countries, different cultures
I remember feeling awed as I stroked my sister's passport when she prepared to leave for Jamaica on a missions trip, thinking how brave and wonderful she was for leaving the safety of home. And how exciting that was to me.
Now I'm sitting in the Baltimore airport, waiting to fly to Dublin! How crazy is that?
Yesterday...I got a text from Kenny telling me he couldn't find his passport. He was planning to come with me for the first week. I felt absolutely sick and terrified. I prayed and prayed that God would help him find it. I struggled to believe this was happening and I had to push myself to finish getting ready. I did not want to go without him. But I knew I had spent too much money not to go and that I would be mad at myself if I didn't.
...Anyway, Kenny never found his passport and will not be coming. I am doing okay but I'm a little frightened. How will I stay safe? How will I know where to go or what to do? How will I be on my own without companionship for so long? I don't know. But I do know Jesus is good and he is with me. He will protect me.
January 26th, 2018
I made it to Iceland! I will soon be in Dublin
..There was a beautiful mother with her three children who were with me in BWI and also are flying to Dublin. Two of the children were very talkative which was fun for me. The oldest didn't speak to me much but she said something that impressed me. Her little brother was sitting on her lap for a long while. She asked him kindly to get off. He refused. Exasperated, she said, "It's my body, you know!"
Yes, sweetheart. Never forget that.
11:11am
Made it to Dublin...it is amazing to me how vast this world is. I feel incredibly small and humbled to be a part of God's creative story. Already I have heard more accents and languages, and seen more different nationalities that I ever have.
2:53pm
I walked around for a while which was cool. It was peaceful. There's a lot about Dublin that's very lovely. The buildings are charming. I was musing about the contrast of human creation (the architecture) and human destruction (litter).
I'm actually struggling to want to do anything but I don't want to waste this opportunity.
5:06pm
I have showered and put on cleaner, prettier clothes and I already feel better about the world. Still adjusting and nearly terrified for my safety every minute. Trying to let that go. God is in control of me and my life.
The hostel has terrible instant coffee, but some kind traveler left peppermint tea. I know what I will be drinking.
Travelling always reminds me of Nancy Drew.
11:15pm
God is so awesome. Just as I was feeling sorry for myself, a beautiful young woman named Ana sat down across from me at the hostel table. She looked like she was traveling alone so I reached out to her, thinking we could connect on that. Turns out she worked with special needs men in another part of Ireland. She didn't have a place to stay and was getting worried as she had tried other hostels and they were also full. I realized then that she could have Kenny's bed. She was very appreciative.
I am so grateful that God has given me some good gifts, great gifts and has started to ease my anxiety. I feel much more hopeful about this trip now than I did at the start.
January 28th, 2018
You do not need to be any version of yourself which is not you. For some reason, this is something that came into my head as I have struggled to know how to present myself to people here. I spend a lot of energy worrying about how I present myself...more like, will they think I'm this snob who refuses to integrate with others? That I think I'm better than others? Perhaps there is some truth to that, that I do think that way at times. I know I am not superior in any way but it is easy to fall into the wrong mindset that I am morally superior to the people around me because I assume they have no spiritual inclinations. I judge others because they drink more than me or whatnot.
So, the judging part is bad, but I think I get hung up on who I am and who I need to be. When really, I can just be me. And if I get to interact with others, that is a blessing but sometimes I can't and that's okay too.
I want to love others, but there may not be opportunities to express love to everyone.
Today I went to church and heard a good message on true discipleship. The church I visited was very quirky. They did their own version of Family Feud for kids which was hysterical, but ultimately meaningful and instructive.
January 31st, 2018
"Everything is an investment."- Kenny
Yes! Kenny is here! He was able to get a passport and I saw him yesterday as I got home from my trip to The Cliffs of Moher. I had a sneaking suspicion he might be coming by the language of some of his texts. I was still absolutely delighted to see him when I walked into the room at the hostel.
What a relief it is, not to have to be alone.
Kenny was hungry so we went out to a pub and got dinner. Since Kenny got here, I have spent much more on eating out and alcohol. Then, we walked around Dublin for I don't know how long. We got pretty lost. He wouldn't let me use WI-FI at first to find our way back. By the time he agreed to ti, it was a 40 minute walk back. Needless to say, my feet are very tired this day.
February 4th, 2018
I have journaled more than I expected and less that I hoped I would. I suppose that means I have low expectations yet high hopes. In a way, I think that makes a lot of sense in how I operate. For instance, I set insanely high standards or goals for myself. I have incredible ideals that I want to pursue but in my heart I don't actually expect myself to work toward those goals. I give up before I even start.
3:07pm
After walking the streets a bit, I started making my way back toward my Airbnb. I had no intention of returning quite yet but thought it might be interesting to see what else this town had to offer.
As I returned, I came upon a pathway that led into a set of woods, boasting a beautiful stream. I stopped in here to see the glories of nature. I am finding myself more able to relax my "shoulds" about traveling. "I should see this, I should see that". I am finding that many of the main tourist attractions hold little charm for me. Traveling for me is turning into seeing smaller, quieter places and observing strangers.
I do wish I were able to meet more people and engage with them, but this is not something I have quite mastered yet.
Anyway, the woods were gorgeous. I can't help but think of Aakroveil whenever I'm caught in such scenery.
Naturally, I have a fearful heart. I couldn't help worrying that I might meet some danger, whether human, animal or accident.
This morning, however, as I sat in a cafe, I read a few chapters of 1 Samuel. I am the part of the story where David comes on the scene. I am always so impressed by David's bravery and absolute certainty that God will give him strength and success in all he does. This was challenging for me and an excellent reminder that I serve and also have access to the same God. I do not need to walk in fear for my God is with me always. He hears me always. He loves me always.
February 8th, 2018
I am on my flight home.
There were a lot of things that I wish had been different. There were a lot of really hard moments, but I am grateful for all of it. That's all for now, travel journal. Who knows when I'll pick you up again and where we'll go next?
