When I was a
child, I loved myself. I was by no means shy or shameful or indecisive. I was
firm about who I was and what I wanted. I was passionate, I was a dreamer, I
had a soul that could not be sated. Now, I was also a brat. I was unruly and
sometimes rude, but even those things I had trouble discrediting when my mother
told me I shouldn’t be them, because they were part of me and I loved me.
I was free
to love myself because no one had yet told me loving myself was wrong. No one
had yet shattered the passion and the dreams. No one had told me that I wasn’t
enough.
Over time, I
experienced comments and conversations with friends, family, strangers—those who
were well-meaning, misguided, or cruel—about my body, my intellect, my talents,
my potential, and my personhood:
“You’re so fat!”
“If you gain more weight, I won’t be your friend.”
“You’ll never be a singer.”
“You don’t have what it takes to be a writer.”
“You’re too ambitious.”
“Going to college is too risky.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“You’re inconsiderate of other’s needs.”
“No one wants to around someone who’s bitter and depressed.”
It was amazing how I was either “too much” or “not enough”.
The list goes on. I fought these messages of inferiority and insignificance.
But at some point, I broke. I invited
these lies in. I stripped myself of my confidence and my surety. My heart,
which I had delightedly worn on my sleeve became battered and bruised. I tucked
it away back into my chest and built defensive walls. My heart no longer beat
with passion, but with fear.
I believe my
Christian upbringing also played a part in this emotional retreat. Whether this
message was taught to me explicitly, or it was something I inferred, I
genuinely believed that I didn’t matter. Other’s needs and wants were always
more important than mine. I heard every week how sinful I was and how horrible
humanity is. I read Matthew 22:39 as “Love your neighbor, not yourself.”
(Now, before
anyone freaks out, I have not abandoned my faith. I love Jesus. I love being a
Christian. I love the church. And yes, Matthew 22:38 is more important than
Matthew 22:39. But the church messes up sometimes. Sorry.)
And you know
what I’ve noticed? For me, there is a direct correlation between self-love and
self-expression. The first time I stepped on stage to perform, there was no
fear. I was four years old. I took my small, non-speaking role incredibly
seriously. After that first play, I knew that I was an artist and I would work
hard for my art. This was how acting was for me for the majority of my childhood
and a good part of my teenage years.
This makes
sense, doesn’t it? Because I loved myself, and I loved being me I had no
problem sharing myself and expressing myself through the arts.
Now I’m
here. Over the last few years, I have struggled intensely with self-hatred. I
have apologized to people for things I didn’t need to out of fear that they
would be angry with me and hate me as much as I hated myself, I have lectured
myself over actions which were simple mistakes, not heinous crimes, I have
taken my attributes and tried to stuff them in a suppressed box because they
were so abhorrent to me.
Now, I am
afraid to act. I am afraid to sing. I am afraid to engage with people and form
relationships. I am afraid to express my opinions. I am afraid to express myself. How can I
express myself, when I hate myself? Why should I express and share myself when
the person I am is so unworthy?
These are
the lies I fight consistently. Maybe you fight them too. It is a worthy fight,
because God desires for us to be whole. He desires for us to enjoy Him, to
enjoy ourselves (He sure does), and to enjoy others.
I don’t have
the answers. I am not there yet. I don’t completely love myself. I still fall
into self-destructing patterns. I find artistic expression daunting and
exhausting. Who knows if I will ever again be able to act with the true
self-abandon I experienced as a child. But I am working on bring down those
walls around my heart. Because self-expression is beautiful and powerful. It is
necessary. So is self-love.
“Love your
neighbor AS yourself.”
I promise to
fight to love myself. And I promise to fight to love you too.
