Trigger warning: this post will openly and graphically deal with self-harm.
I've been putting this off for a while.
Writing my blog post, "the Middle" was me trying to prepare for this. I've fought with myself repeatedly about whether or not this is too personal to share on social media or whether it's even appropriate. I've struggled with my motives. I've struggled to feel "fixed enough" to shed any sort of light or wisdom on this issue.
I can't even try to make this poetic and pretty because this is one of the ugliest parts of my life. So you'll forgive me if I forgo any attempt at exciting syntactical formations or a mastery of words.
I'm just here to share a story. So here it is: you may or may not know this about me but I have struggled with a cutting addiction. I optimistically put that sentence in the past tense. This post is to give you a little background and context for my addiction, and then I will do a few other posts seeking to educate people on the reasons for the self-harm, some tools to help someone who is self-harming, and then how I have worked to overcome it.
I do want to preface with this, I am not a mental health professional. I am also only one person and I can only speak about my experience. The things I share will not be universal for all people who cut, but they are my truth and they may give you at tiny glimpse at what it is like for a person living with this addiction and how you can help them.
I started scratching when I was fourteen. I do make a distinction between scratching and cutting. For my purposes "scratching" is using any sort of sharp implement to make a mark on the skin but that does not draw blood or is only a surface wound. "Cutting" (again, my own definition here) is when a great deal of pressure is applied by a sharp implement to the skin to cause a deeper wound. I make this distinction not to diminish scratching, but to show how the addiction started and grew. Any time a person purposely inflicts harm on themselves, it is absolutely serious. This scratching started mostly because I had several friends in my life who were self-harming and I noticed the attention they were getting from it. As a teen, desperate to be noticed and taken care of, I started to scratch but at the time found that it really didn't do much for me personally or socially.
I held the addiction at bay for a good many years. When I was 18, there were some very stressful relational issues in my life that were causing me a lot of worry, anger, and shame. There were people in my life who were making me feel worthless, unlovable, and monstrous. I found myself gravitating toward self-harm. This was when I started to cut, although for the most part the wounds I made were still scratches.
For those early years of adulthood, my relationship with self-harm waxed and waned. I would not classify it as an addiction yet as it was something that I only turned to once in a while, usually prompted by extreme stress.
By the time I was 21 in 2014, I had started my time at my 4-year institution. It was a new environment fraught with new responsibilities. During my first semester, my mental health suffered and I found myself occasionally self-harming. I took advantage of the free counseling my university offered. I made it through my first semester relatively unscathed. However, in 2015 there were two big traumas in my life: the suicide of a close friend and I was sexually assaulted.
The suicide of my friend caused me to sink into a deep depression and the sexual assault caused me to feel many of the feelings survivors feel: guilt, shame, self-loathing, and fear. I couldn't stand living in my life, living in my body. I wanted to die, but I told myself I couldn't do that to my community after the suicide they had already recently experienced. So, I allowed myself to do the next best thing, I punished myself with cutting.
I do want to preface with this, I am not a mental health professional. I am also only one person and I can only speak about my experience. The things I share will not be universal for all people who cut, but they are my truth and they may give you at tiny glimpse at what it is like for a person living with this addiction and how you can help them.
I started scratching when I was fourteen. I do make a distinction between scratching and cutting. For my purposes "scratching" is using any sort of sharp implement to make a mark on the skin but that does not draw blood or is only a surface wound. "Cutting" (again, my own definition here) is when a great deal of pressure is applied by a sharp implement to the skin to cause a deeper wound. I make this distinction not to diminish scratching, but to show how the addiction started and grew. Any time a person purposely inflicts harm on themselves, it is absolutely serious. This scratching started mostly because I had several friends in my life who were self-harming and I noticed the attention they were getting from it. As a teen, desperate to be noticed and taken care of, I started to scratch but at the time found that it really didn't do much for me personally or socially.
I held the addiction at bay for a good many years. When I was 18, there were some very stressful relational issues in my life that were causing me a lot of worry, anger, and shame. There were people in my life who were making me feel worthless, unlovable, and monstrous. I found myself gravitating toward self-harm. This was when I started to cut, although for the most part the wounds I made were still scratches.
For those early years of adulthood, my relationship with self-harm waxed and waned. I would not classify it as an addiction yet as it was something that I only turned to once in a while, usually prompted by extreme stress.
By the time I was 21 in 2014, I had started my time at my 4-year institution. It was a new environment fraught with new responsibilities. During my first semester, my mental health suffered and I found myself occasionally self-harming. I took advantage of the free counseling my university offered. I made it through my first semester relatively unscathed. However, in 2015 there were two big traumas in my life: the suicide of a close friend and I was sexually assaulted.
The suicide of my friend caused me to sink into a deep depression and the sexual assault caused me to feel many of the feelings survivors feel: guilt, shame, self-loathing, and fear. I couldn't stand living in my life, living in my body. I wanted to die, but I told myself I couldn't do that to my community after the suicide they had already recently experienced. So, I allowed myself to do the next best thing, I punished myself with cutting.
This was when it became an addiction. I was cutting nearly every week, sometimes several times a week. I stopped cutting on my arm because it was getting attention and started cutting on my thighs which were much easier to cover up. Before 2015, cutting was restricted to home, but I found myself stealing x-acto knives from my school's shop and cutting in the bathroom.
I write that last sentence with appropriate shame. Cutting is never right but I was adding on to my sins. I stole, I misused equipment, I lied, I hurt myself in a public place where someone may have found me-which could only be traumatic for that other person. Thankfully, no one ever did but still this act was very wrong of me. I include it to show how much this addiction had a hold of me.
Often, I felt like I had no other choice. I was convinced there was no other solution to my problems. It was the only thing that was going to help me keep myself alive. This carried on through various degrees of severity even after graduation in 2016.
Let me tell you where I am now. The last time I self-harmed was October, 2017. Nine months doesn't seem like a long time, which is another reason I've hesitated to write this. I worry about having a relapse and having to retract all the things I spout about healing and progress. But, as I mention in "The Middle", every story is worth telling. And you can tell your story even if you're still figuring things out. But I'm happy to tell you that right now, I'm okay.
There has been a definite shift for me in how I think about cutting. And yes. I do still think about it. There are days I want to go back to it, but it no longer feels like the overwhelming need as it did during the darkest months. Through counseling, significant relationships, and the grace of God, I was able to start to have some compassion for myself and realize that hurting myself does absolutely nothing to help me. I will talk more about the healing process for me in another blog post.
Another reason I didn't want to write this is because I still try to deny it. I never thought I would struggle with this. This was never the person I wanted to be. I never wanted to be the girl who cut herself. For years, I would come before God, angry and broken, and feel certain He was disgusted by what I had become. I felt that, since I had taken the initial plunge of adding scars to my body, the only course was to keep cutting. It became my identity-an identity I despised and wished I could be rid of.
I have to own this story. For one thing, the scars aren't going anywhere. This is a part of my life. To deny this chapter would be to deny a huge outpouring of God's grace and love to me. I would have to ignore the things I have learned as I have grown and healed. My identity is not in my scars, but in the One who is healing them.
It is my hope that in sharing this with you, you too will feel free to own your story as well. I share this story because I know there are boys and girls, men and women who have stories similar to mine that they feel they can't share-due to social stigma and shame. I am sharing in hopes to provide understanding.
If you or someone you know is self-harming, please seek help. Know that wherever you are in your journey, there is healing. There is hope.
Hotlines:
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
Self Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Self-injury Foundation’s National Crisis Line: 1-800-334-HELP
Real Help for Teens Help Line: 1-877-332-7333
Self-Harm Hotlines Online:
Self-harm hotline chat, message boards, and self-harm resources online are also available so that you may get help through the internet.
Self-Injury.net Online Support
Kids Help Phone Live Chat Counseling
Teen Line Help Online
To Write Love on Her Arms
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
Self Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Self-injury Foundation’s National Crisis Line: 1-800-334-HELP
Real Help for Teens Help Line: 1-877-332-7333
Self-Harm Hotlines Online:
Self-harm hotline chat, message boards, and self-harm resources online are also available so that you may get help through the internet.
Self-Injury.net Online Support
Kids Help Phone Live Chat Counseling
Teen Line Help Online
To Write Love on Her Arms
