Mornings for me, are a thing of necessity. I engage with mornings out of duty rather than love. The sweetest days for me are when I can lounge in bed and be greeted by a mid-day sun.
This morning, my alarm went off at 7:00am, reminding me that I had duties. Last night, I didn't get much sleep, due to willfully putting myself in an overly-caffeinated state and unwillingly running anxious thoughts through my head. But lounging in bed would have to wait for another day. I puttered downstairs, my heavy eyelids protesting the assault of visual stimuli. I poured myself a cup of the very same substance that malevolently kept me awake last night.
After putting in a solid hour of work, I wandered to Ye Olde Facebook to check in with the world. It was then I remembered there was a project coming up that I wanted to audition for. A project I had been thinking about for months and so desperately desired to be a part of. I reached out to the director to see if I could somehow fit my schedule with his rehearsal plans. He responded quickly and while it seemed unlikely that our schedules would align, it wasn't so unlikely that I wasn't tempted to try.
My excitement about this project was dampened only slightly by the other projects I already have going on. This Spring semester, I will be directing two shows, which will alone give me enough to work on. But, I thought, if the director was willing to work with my conflicts, I could do it all.
Thinking I should probably take a breath and slow down, I messaged a friend and asked his opinion about my trying out. Very kindly, he supported my enthusiasm and inclination, but also suggested that it may not be in my best interests to spread myself too thin. I heard him, but the excitement was still too strong. I had pretty much decided I would audition and if it worked out, God would help me make it all work.
Nevertheless, I did pause enough to pray. I asked God to give me wisdom and that if I shouldn't audition, that He'd make that clear to me.
Twenty minutes later, I hustled out the door to get to gym class. I climbed into my car, Ginny, and tried to turn her on.
And she wouldn't start.
I tried again, hoping that if I just turned the key a couple more times, the engine would turn over.
And nothing. Then, followed a conversation I had with my car in my head:
"Come on, girl. I need to get to class."
I can't.
"What do you mean you can't? Sure you can. We do this every day."
I literally cannot.
"Why not?"
Something's wrong.
"Okay, maybe. We'll get it checked out later. Can you just make it through today. though?"
No. Stop it. I've been telling you something's not right for a while now. You just haven't been listening.
Ginny's various warning lights have been on for a while. Check engine. Coolant. Brakes. I would make a mental note every time I would drive somewhere that I needed to take care of that "at some point". As I learned today, sometimes "at some point" is too late.
I don't believe that everything that happens in life is a "sign from God", but I got the message.
Humans, much like cars, have our own indicator lights that flash when something's off. Much like cars, it's easy to ignore those lights. Dismissively, we can say things like, "my sensor might be broken", "if I ignore that, it'll go away", "it's going to be too expensive to fix this", "it's going to take too much time to get this looked at", "the issue's probably not that serious", "it's just a piece of junk, anyway".
I can preach self-care to those around me like it's my day job. But when it comes to actual self-care for me-for this "self"-I actually feel slightly ill at the thought of it. You know why? Self-care is hard. It's some hard work. It does take time, energy, and even money.
My check engine light might flash when I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning, when I can't keep my house clean, when I don't want to go out, when I overeat or indulge in too much sweets or alcohol, when I over-exercise or avoid exercise entirely, or when I fill my schedule so much that I don't have time to deal with the messy reality of myself.
God, in his wisdom, knew humans would need rest. He built it into the week for us with the Sabbath. Yes, He created us to work, but He also created us to rest. When we actively avoid true rest and recreation, we miss out on a big, healing part of being human and being made in the image of God.
So today, I'm going to take a deep breath and slow down. I'm going to listen to those warning lights, because I have more mornings to face and I'm going to need all the energy and strength I can muster.
Take care of you, okay?
