I had a great plan with this blog. A plan to tackle and fully lay bare the issue of self-harm.
And then, I choked. I couldn't find the time or the energy or the words. Then, mercifully, I started to separate myself from the experience of self-harm. So much so that I sometimes struggled to remember why I did it in the first place. How could a girl who could barely connect to who she used to be offer any wisdom on how to overcome the things she's not sure she even understands anymore?
Here's the thing: healing isn't always linear. It's a winding, twisting, joyful, crushing, roaring path. The truth is, while most days I can't connect to the need to self-harm, some days I still do. Those days, it becomes very clear that I do still have words to say.
But this isn't actually about words. It's about pictures.
Almost two years ago, my sister approached me to be a part of a photography project. She was photographing different aspects of suffering and asked if I would be willing to let her photograph my self harm wounds/scars*. Her timing was God-ordained as I had just recently had a major shift in my relationship with self-harm. At the time when she asked, I had self-harmed badly a week or so before. But that time was different. It was the beginning of the end for my addiction. I agreed to let her photograph me because I wanted my future to be different. And while it was hard and vulnerable and raw to let her see and take pictures of the ugliest parts of me, I wanted to be able to look back at who I was and be grateful and proud of who I am now.
While the journey hasn't been perfect, I can say I am grateful for the progression of healing. When I see that girl with the marks on her legs, I do understand her. But I know better now. I love myself better, and the compassion I can feel is borne from the deepest compassion that Christ bears for me.
*I want to be clear: I did NOT self-harm expressly for this photo shoot. While I want to let the art speak for itself, I do fear that someone could think that I hurt myself for the art which is not the case.
